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How to Survive the Solar Eclipse

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away….

A long time ago meaning 1979 - that was the last time this crazy eclipse shit going on TODAY happened (according to the internet at least). There’s always a few solar eclipses that occur every year, but why is everyone so worked up about this one? The difference today is that a TOTAL solar eclipse is happening, which is different than a partial eclipse, which happens more frequently. This means that at one point today, the moon will be entirely blocking the sun, and this “totality” will be visible within a 70(ish) mile wide span, going throughout 14 states in the US. DAY WILL TURN INTO NIGHT. It’ll be some crazy sci fi movie shit, maybe the apocalypse will happen, who knows.

For those of you who aren’t as space smart (or traveling to THE PATH OF TOTALITY...we’re looking at you Billy), here’s a quick guide on how to properly experience the eclipse.

To start things off, the Floated team is located in Rochester, NY...where we will not be experiencing any moment of TOTAL eclipse. What does this mean for viewing? That brings us to guideline #1.

  1. PROTECT YOUR EYES. Don’t be stupid. When you stare into the sun on a normal day, it fucks up your eyes. Same thing happens during an eclipse. It may seem like its not as “bright” since the sun is partially blocked, but those UV rays are still STRONG AS SHIT. They can, and will, literally blind you. If you don’t have the proper glasses, try being a photo nerd like us and making a pinhole camera. Good ‘ol NASA even has a guide. https://eclipse2017.nasa.gov/how-make-pinhole-projector-view-solar-eclipse Also, here’s a dope drawing from the dude that invented the “Camera Obscura” back in the day -

  1. LEAVE WORK. This happens in the middle of the day. Do you really want to experience some next level science with your co-workers? Maybe they’re cool, maybe they’re not? But never convince yourself they are and ruin a dope viewing.

  2. FIND A GOOD SPOT. You’ll want to make sure you’re camped out somewhere AWESOME. Here’s a path of totality list of maps to help you find the nearest Strip Club to view the eclipse from. https://www.cnet.com/news/solar-eclipse-maps-bigfoot-waffle-house-ufo-beer/

  3. DRINKS. You know what rhymes with eclipse? BEER. Beer does. Or maybe its whiskey. Who really knows how the english language works anyway? We did find a special “Eclipse Black Lager” brewed by Anheuser-Busch for the occasion, but chances are you won’t be getting a sip of any of that. Instead play a drinking game. Every time you or one of your buddies is like “WOAH” or like “THE UNIVERSE MANNN” or like “WE’RE SO SMALL, THE UNIVERSE IS LIKE….BIG”, take a big ol’ gulp. Over the 3 minutes or so that this eclipse is happening, you’ll get pretty wasted.

  4. FIND A KILLER SOUNDTRACK. For this we’ve got you covered. Our dude Emmit Fenn is releasing his “ECLIPSE EP” TODAY! Specifically for your listening, spacey, cosmic, nerdy, dancy, pleasure. Its badass, seriously. If you wanna trip out to some sciency shit today, throw this EP on full blast. This dude’s got over 15 MILLION plays on some songs, trust me he’s awesome. You’ll want to start it up a little before, so it takes you full circle (yes, we’re great at puns, we know) throughout the eclipse. For those of us not in THE PATH OF TOTALITY, this is a great way to step up the experience (we can think of some other treats to accompany the expereince as well ;) ) https://open.spotify.com/artist/3VVLqeEqQQqTgT8YhfY9Z6

All in all, throw those tunes on, and DONT LOOK AT THE SUN WITH YOUR BARE NAKED WEAK HUMAN EYES. Unless you’re a cyborg, in that case we want to meet you.

Happy Viewing!

For reference, here's the places we referenced…

http://www.popularmechanics.com/science/news/a26840/total-solar-eclipse-tips/

https://www.space.com/37883-cataracts-from-looking-at-the-sun.html

https://www.doi.gov/blog/2017-total-solar-eclipse-viewing-tips

https://www.timeanddate.com/eclipse/how-often-solar-eclipse.html

https://eclipse2017.nasa.gov/how-make-pinhole-projector-view-solar-eclipse

http://www.kmov.com/story/36169735/anheuser-busch-creates-special-beer-to-celebrate-solar-eclipse

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